The upside of regret: How a painful emotion can lead to better mental health
By Stacey Colino December 31, 2023 Washington Post
As 2023 comes to a close, you may find yourself conducting a personal year in review, taking inventory of what went well and what didn’t. Which means you may end up experiencing regret.
Regret can be painful, but it can also be a powerful tool for self-understanding and change.
“If you pay attention to regret, you can learn from your mistakes and make decisions and handle emotions better in the future,” said psychologist Robert Leahy, director of the American Institute for Cognitive Therapy in New York and author of the book “If Only … Finding Freedom From Regret.”
“Regret helps you imagine possibilities,” he said. Regrets can be large or small, persistent or fleeting. They can be for something you did (like drinking too much and getting sloppy at a holiday party) or for something you didn’t do but wish you had (such as not accepting a challenging job or asking someone out on a date.)
Research has found that the five most common sources of regret relate to education, career, romance, parenting and self-improvement. These are areas where people “see their largest opportunities” or “tangible prospects for change, growth, and renewal,” the researchers noted.
Fortunately, everyone can benefit from exploring their regrets. “If you think about regret and use it as a guide for changing your behaviour in the future, it won’t linger in your life,” said Todd McElroy, an associate professor of psychology at Florida Gulf Coast University in Fort Myers. “Your regret will go away.”
Consider what regret is trying to tell you
Experts recommend asking yourself the following questions and then reflecting on the answers:
· Why do I feel regret?
· What drove my decision then?
· What do I care about?
· What could I do differently in the future, based on my values?
“Regrets tend to be related to who you are and what’s most important to you, to your core values,” said Elizabeth Lombardo, a clinical psychologist in the Chicago area and author of “Get Out of the Red Zone.”
Denise Grothouse, a 57-year-old marketing professional in Naples, Fla., has regret around her father’s death. She recalls visiting him when he was dying of cancer and unable to speak. Grothouse had to make a hasty exit to drop off her seven-year-old son at his dad’s house.
As she was leaving her father’s room, he began to cry in a way she’d never heard before. “I knew at that moment that I would never see my father alive again, but I didn’t want my son’s dad to be angry with me for being late,” Grothouse said.
In retrospect, she regrets not trusting her instincts to stay. “In that moment, I gave away the agency over my life to someone else,” she said.
But she has also learned from the experience, and embraced the mantra: “There is a reason your windshield is larger than your rear-view mirror.”
“Embracing this mind-set acknowledges that my past has value because every hardship contains a lesson,” she said. “But it helps me focus on steering myself toward a better future.”
Avoid ruminating about regrets
The key to using regret to your advantage is to analyse it but not to dwell on it. To evaluate your regrets constructively, set aside a specific time to evaluate a particular regret. Give yourself 10 to 15 minutes to reflect on it then get back to your current life.
“Rumination keeps you locked in your head, spinning your wheels,” Leahy said. “Rumination is not the same as solving problems, and it may not give you clarity.”
While you shouldn’t ruminate on regret, you shouldn’t ignore it either.
“Regret is an emotion that doesn’t feel very good but it often has something important to teach us,” said Laurie Santos, a professor of psychology at Yale University and host of “The Happiness Lab” podcast. “Regret is a signal to how we could behave better in the future — so we ignore it at our own peril.”
Take corrective action
Consider whether your regret has to do with your actions or inactions, Santos advised. If it’s related to something you said or did, you may be able to rectify the situation by apologizing to someone you hurt or by reaching out to someone you lost touch with.
“There’s real power in an apology, in coming clean and taking responsibility for your actions,” Lombardo said. “Putting it out there has the power to help your relationship.”
If you can’t fix a situation, you can try to accept something good about the experience. Tell yourself, “At least I’ve learned _____,” and then fill in the blank, Santos suggested.
If your regret stems from inaction (say, you didn’t accept an appealing job offer), think about what you can do now to improve your current work situation or look for a new one.
Be kind to yourself
Self-compassion means treating yourself with the care and understanding you would give to a dear friend. One series of studies found that self-compassion helped people better cope with regret. Acknowledging that “I’m human and I make mistakes” allows you to live with your regrets peacefully. “It doesn’t mean you forget it or that what you did was okay,” Lombardo noted. “But you can forgive yourself and move to a place of acceptance.”
Stephanie Shanks, a 42-year-old mother of three in Baraboo, Wisc., said her biggest regrets involve opportunities she missed out on. Her list of regrets includes twice choosing the wrong romantic partner and not taking care of her personal well-being.
After working on self-forgiveness, she built up the courage to change her life and launched her own photography studio.
“Now, I prioritize my own needs and focus on the fact that I’m doing the best I can to be the best I can be in the future,” she said.
Remind yourself hindsight isn’t always 20/20
Studies show that sometimes people idealize choices they didn’t make, believing that the road they didn’t take would have led to a much better outcome.
“We have to remember there is no perfect path,” said study co-author Dan Feiler, an associate professor of organizational behavioural science at the Tuck School of Business at Dartmouth College.
As you look back on what you didn’t do in 2023, remember that you made decisions based on the information you had at the time. “Sometimes the best lesson you can learn from regret is to be realistic about your expectations and limitations,” Leahy said.